PMR goodies.

My BM results really pulls down my average grade. Which is irritating because I really do love school and I love studying (all my other subjects) but at the end of the day, my average score is effected by this one subject. My mom&dad understand and they told me to just pull through PMR and SPM. 

So I told myself. I WILL do my best for BM but I wont promise myself an "A" in BM for my PMR examination, and I wont promise myself to love the language. See, if I do promise myself these things, it would be a hu-gangtic step and if I dont achieve it I'll only beat myself for not achieving and it'll probably effect my self esteem. 

But after about 2 weeks preparing for my exam, I unconsciously learned to love the language. It became such an adventure learning new words, the maze of BM grammar, dreaded essays. I love BM, it may have took my 9 years :) But I do love the language. 

Same with Mandarin. And I learned that every language had a certain beauty to it. BM was like a flower that bloomed and bloomed, and you'll never know how big/beautiful it blooms. But you know it does bloom and you cant help but be apart of the language. As for Mandarin, we all know the Arabs and Chinese would have to be the oldest culture on earth (if I'm not mistaken). Mandarin had alot of history to it, and to learn every single one was a challenge but an exciting one nevertheless. After so many years, the meaning of the Mandarin characters strengthens. When you put together two characters, the meaning can be so strong it gives you goosebumps.

I took advantage of my given opportunity to learn these 2 languages. But I'll make up for it :) 

Agama is a whole new thing. I fail that subject almost everytime I sit for it. It brings me down when I see my marks but mark it doesn't mean I don't love my religion. 

I think I was just so against theorizing the religion I refused to open my reference book. My mind told me I had to read up but when I did nothing went it. And I dont think I wanted it to - atleast at that time. I think I unconsciously-purposely failed the subject. Does that make any sense?

My mind and my heart had a contrast when it came to agama class. I strongly believed that religion is something you believe in in your heart. Not something that should be told to you by another person. When I say 'another person' I dont mean the ustazah's or people that teach the religion. I meant the text books, the reference books. It's so ..... practiced. Making agama a subject taken in PMR made the religion so practiced, so .. academic. I didn't feel the will to learn because of the religion. I was made to learn because of the examination.

Which I felt was so wrong. 

That was how I used to think. Which is still how I do now. But I think I used agama being a PMR examination subject a reason to cover up my laziness. I stand strongly by my thoughts about Agama examination. But now I know that I open my book and read about the religion because I truly want to know. There are things in the book that I disagree with (**kesan-kesan, not the facts). But disagreeing 'effects' that is stated in the reference book doesnt mean I go against Islam. I just dont agree with the publisher. Nor am I saying the publisher is in the wrong, just saying that I don't see it in the same way the publisher does.

You try and tell me how can a reference book tell you how or what to believe in. We are all entitled to our hearts beliefs, even if in the same religion. The Al-Quran is a guide for our beliefs. But if one doesn't have a strong own-belief in oneself, how do you be guided for something thats not in you? (this might sound harsh but trust me when I say I dont intend it to be). Everyone has their own beliefs. Everyone.

So right now you see me reading my Agama reference not because I'm preparing for my PMR. But because I'm reading to know about the religion. So If I get an A or an F grade. Who cares? I sure dont. The religion stands close to me and thats all I want. :)

I have a few friends who think the same. So may this be a ... thought when you sit agama class and feel so against it. (No disrespect to the ustazahs, I truly respect them. It takes a person certain and sure in one's religion to have the courage to teach others). 

I hope I haven't said anything too improper. If so, feel free to state your thoughts :) I love thoughts. Mine and yours :)